Synonyms for Return
I appeared under the mountain
and asked for another mountain—
these naked slopes wouldn’t hold
the way I wanted to
be held.
I’d been split, smoothed
over and pressed together again,
fleshy mirror of oak’s swell,
deciduous deviant.
For work, I became delirious
with distance. Counting the hours
of one's effort is a labor itself—
three as I flayed my own chest
and bared it upward,
four as the turkey vultures hovered
my canopy in wait.
I was always open to this—
a hangnail proffered
for nervous chewing,
a hunger for decades of banal routes
between home and earning,
a desire to die the same way
my folks always die—
and it caught up.
Repetition marched into my blood
and made real the creases
of my father’s face onto mine.
I asked for a mountain
that could be honest about poverty.
I asked for a mountain
that melted butter into its seams,
dug Newport butts from the Country Crock
tub full of sand and lit them
as a way of making
some perceived fate real.
I returned home and made scavenger of myself.
An older sister stitched my chest closed,
rubbed me with salve,
bound me in quilt.
With no promise of return
the dog left the yard.
Lighting a fire, I asked the leaves
to make cases for themselves.
They all said the same things
and none of them were true.
The truth:
we will continue staying and dying
in our burdensome houses. We will leave
just to be treed again, corralled by shepherds
or lured by great blocks of salt
and the boggy scent of home.
We will love on each other, smooth
wrinkles from the hands of our dead,
carve a rough notch and keep on.
My point is that the family came together
to build my sister’s fence. It moved her to tears.
The horses found their way
out again. Hunger brought them home.